It is clear at work. We will have a better outcome with all of the information at hand and with input on our performance.  Also because we will develop and retain talent and develop people’s value and careers.

It is a basic no brainer but still and yet, we have a hard time with it even if someone is presenting and has spinach in their teeth or has bad breath and is going on a sales call.

Even on performance reviews, it is tough to give the performer, the worker feedback that sticks or makes any difference in performance.

We could say the same for personal relationships too; that it is just too hard to talk about that thing and maybe it will pass or maybe it just isn’t that important that he keeps interrupting while I am talking so I get quiet and he never knows or she says she will be on time home from work and is consistently late and short-tempered but okay because she is home and the kids are happy to see her, but homework needs to be done and we will just have take-out tonight.

Meanwhile in the first case, there is a quiet subdued partner and in the second a stressed out family with no time to be together in the evening.

What happens over the years is predictable.

At work, we have goals and careers and paychecks and bonuses on the line as well as delivering to our customers/clients an excellent product that we promised we would deliver.

The case for action in the personal realm and in the business realm is undeniable.

Even with doctors, they are slow to really tell it like it is, if you don’t do this, or if you keep doing that, you will have bad health.  Ice it, yoga it, stretch it out, take these meds exactly this way.  Good instructions but no real demand for your performance in the pool or at the track or pushing back from the table.

What is the secret?  The secret to giving feedback and coaching in any of these situations?

It isn’t that you don’t know what to say.  We all do, but in the elevator or in the car or with our friends but not to the person directly, we talk about them behind their backs.  Even the doctors do surely to each other about their cases, if they could just get them to follow their instructions…

What is the secret?

To giving yourself permission to speak?

Creating a safe space for you the speaker?




Being committed to the other person

Being confident it will turn out

How do you develop that in yourself such that you are that free, that committed, that caring, that bold?

In the moment you may in fact, have felt frustrated and impatient and less than wise and loving and caring

It is that you develop that as your ground of being, the ground you are always standing on.

You pray, you meditate, you roll on the floor with your dog, you say hello to clerks and mean it, you are not on your phone so much in public spaces, you are in nature, you listen to great music, you have practices for slowing down, you do free writing, you develop yourself as grateful that you have these people in your life, partnering with you, to build what you are building.

You eat slowly and are grateful for the food growers and for the cook.

The secret is love and compassion.

From that place you can communicate and develop your relationships for high performance at work and for rich family and personal lives too.