I started meditating again a few weeks ago, on a Monday. Just five minutes each morning, as a start, and now I’m up to 10.
I’m beginning again at meditation because I don’t see how I can say I’m firmly on the path of being a calm, steady presence of a leader without some kind of stillness practice, some kind of thought/focus exercise that builds the muscle of waking up to what’s going on with me in the moment–especially when it’s not productive–and coming back to my commitments, seeing what’s next from there.
I’m committed to leading from my commitments, and being asleep at the wheel of myself isn’t going to win the day.
This comes up because our Dorrier Underwood team is studying the book, A Failure of Nerve by Edwin Friedman. In it, he builds up to what it takes to be a “self-differentiated leader”…one who can stand apart from the emotional charge of a situation and others around him/her.
I find that I’m wanting a “Field Guide to Self-Differentiation”, or “The How-To Book for Self-Differentiating Leaders”. (Maybe that’s ironic or a symptom of something given “A Failure of Nerve”’s tagline: “Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix”.)
I am asking of myself, “What does that LOOK like?” and “How do I make progress on this?”
Friedman says, “Differentiation is taking maximum responsibility for one’s own emotional being and destiny rather than blaming others or the context.”
To me, “being taken out” in any moment (like during a team meeting a few weeks ago) is like a big, red, blinking arrow pointing to me *not* being self-differentiated. When that happens, I spent much of the day angry, blaming in every direction, and definitely self-righteous, all the while trying to justify myself.
During that recent team meeting, a possible change in a focus of my role was brought up, unexpectedly. I still can’t quite put my finger on what happened, but somehow, my whole system took that possible change as a total and complete threat. My machinery went into effect…making things up about why the change was being offered as a possibility, what it meant about people’s’ perception of my performance, my value, etc. Of course, the worst case scenarios were the most popular inside my head. Fear and anger took over. I shut down, and I couldn’t get pull myself out of it until the next day.
Oh, so that’s what it’s like to be non-differentiated. Oh, so that’s what it’s like to be someone radically other than who I’m committed to being for my team. Aie yie.
Maybe…just maybe…rather than waiting for someone else to create one, I can be the source of my own field guide?!
As I work with this, here’s what I see my “field guide” could include, on this quest to be able to self-differentiate in the moments I need it most:
- Meditate daily;
- Write daily, and keep writing;
- Possibly talk situations through with someone who can be objective;
- Exercise 3-5 times/week;
- And when I have some semblance of myself again, and if it’s still needed, talk with the person I need to talk with…dissolve the triangulation of myself, the other person, and the issue by dissolving the issue through communication.
What would you include?
At a rail station in Prague, my wife and I needed to get some euros for Vienna. I know no Czech and even though many things are translated to English, it was still difficult to for me to figure out what do. I was frustrated. I entered a money exchange office and read through some signage. After a few minutes, I asked an attendee- “How does this work?” She responded coldly- “In Czech- we say hello first.” She was disgusted by me and was rude. I stormed off angry. Where does she get the nerve to act like that to me? I was taken out big time. My wife had to deal with my mood and not having any cash, too.
By the time we got to Vienna, something occurred to me. I may have been rude to that lady. I could have said hi first. I could have asked how her day was going and how it must be tough dealing with tourists all day. For the rest of the trip I decided who I was going to be for every single person I was dealing with. Kind, considerate, manners and mood. It’s paid off. That is what I would add to differentiating oneself. Thinking about you and Nancy. Thanks for the coaching.
Abe! This is so powerful. What really struck me was both how you had the presence of mind to a) step back and see what ELSE could have been true in that moment with the attendee, and then b) deciding “who I was going to be for every single person I was dealing with.” I make up that you could decide that “from here on out”…beyond this trip! Thank you for sharing this story and modeling being a conscious, mindful leader. This is what it takes!