Years ago, way before he appeared in “Harry Potter,” I went to New York with a friend to see Alan Rickman in “Private Lives.” Waiting at the stage door afterwards, my friend asked, “Do you want his autograph?” I lied and said no and shrank back into the crowd when he finally appeared.
Now I’m going on a Shakespeare Theatre Company tour to London to see, among other things, Mark Rylance in “Juno and the Paycock.” There has been the hint that he might—just might, since they don’t want to get our hopes up—attend one of our morning meetings. Yes, he’s been knighted, won two Olivier awards, three BAFTAs, one Oscar and three Tonys. He was even the first artistic director of the recreated Shakespeare’s Globe Theatre in London. But he’s still just a bloke who, at heart, loves theater. And I want a selfie with him.
If he does show up, what will it take for me to get over whatever-it-is that has me shrink into the background to ask him for a picture? History is not on my side. I can’t even name the whatever-it-is because I honestly don’t know.
I’ve seen YouTube videos of Jack Nicholson hovering in the background and wiping his brow as new Oscar winner Jennifer Lawrence is being interviewed—and I think, WHAT? Mr. “You can’t handle the truth!” gets stopped by something, just like me? When the interviewer tells Jennifer that Jack wants to talk to her, Jennifer looks shocked and puts her face in her hands.
Neither of those people is what I would call shy. Neither am I, come to think of it. So, what is the whatever-it-is that could keep me from asking to take a selfie with Mark Rylance? I want to say fear of “making a fool of myself,” but that’s not quite it. First of all—how would I know? Unless someone actually laughs and points, could I even be sure? And it’s not like I’ll ever see Mark Rylance again, or even the other people on the tour.
Suddenly the answer emerges: It’s the audience of one who will judge and remember my “making a fool of myself”: me. People don’t have to hoot and point, because I’m the supreme judge, listening to evidence collected by me about me as the one on trial. And I have a long memory of court proceedings.